Three claims with supporting facts
1. Claim: The young man shot the deer. Fact: He is holding the rifle and the deer is on the truck.
2. Claim: The woman is the man's significant other. Fact: She is intimately hugging him.
3. Claim: The boy aspires to be like the young man. Fact: The boy is holding a large stick like the rifle the young man is holding. The boy also has a similar facial expression and stance as the young man.
It is evident in the painting that the young boy aspires to be like the young man also depicted in the painting. The boy is holding a large stick, much like how the man is holding a rifle. The two also have similar facial expressions in the painting, showing the cliche "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery." The boy also stands further away from the man and the woman, which depicts his desire to be independent and make a name for himself.
The tone of the paragraph is somewhat academic, and you definately make a claim. However, statements like "it is evident" have no place in academic writing because if it is evident then you shouldn't be telling me about it. Those types of phrases are filler, not substance. Also, we need to cut down on your use of "to be" verbs. Keep working hard on these breakdowns.
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